The Terrorist's Dictionary

regulate – verb (reprise)

2009-07-16T17:57:00.000-04:00

To aid and abet.

ambassador – noun

2009-05-29T12:56:00.000-04:00

A donor or fundraiser for a successful presidential campaign.

Roos who?

That was pretty much the reaction in Japan when U.S. President Barack Obama tapped California lawyer and campaign donor John Roos as ambassador to Tokyo.

News of the choice sent Japanese diplomats and U.S.-Japan watchers scrambling for information about Roos, whom one U.S. expert described to me in a hurried email as a “Silicon valley mover and shaker, not with any link to Japan, though clearly to Obama”.

Etymology as Journalism

2009-03-25T11:58:00.001-04:00

Over at WhoWhatWhy, I argue why journalists should do etymology.

toxic – adjective

2009-03-16T13:16:00.003-04:00

1. Undervalued; worthy of investment.

USAGE: Taxpayers might enjoy a substantial return from their purchase of toxic assets.

2. Donable; charitable.

USAGE: The toxic chemicals were deposited in poverty-stricken areas.

COMMENT: Over at WhoWhatWhy, I explain why the terms "troubled assets" and "toxic assets" deceive.

goal-driven – adjective

2009-03-13T10:14:00.001-04:00

Propelled by, but not necessarily directed towards achieving, a goal.

[See also "purpose-driven."]

USAGE: The President articulated a goal-driven plan for peace in the Middle East.

COMMENT: Activities require goals in the way that cars require fuel. When something is described as "goal-driven," it's analogous to describing a car as "ethanol-driven"—i.e. it's powered by ethanol, not directed towards or productive of, ethanol.

bonus – noun

2009-03-12T11:06:00.003-04:00

A retainer paid to an employee to avoid having to replace him with someone even more incompetent.

I would not be doing my job if I did not directly advise you of my grave concern about the long-term consequences of the actions we are taking today. On the one hand, all of us at AIG recognize the environment in which we operate and the remonstrations of our President for a more restrained system of compensation for executives. On the other hand, we cannot attract and retain the best and brightest talent to lead and staff the AIG businesses—which are now being operated principally on behalf of the American taxpayers—if employees believe that their compensation is subject to continued and arbitrary adjustment by the U.S. Treasury.

—From a letter by AIG CEO Edward Liddy to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner

salary – noun

2009-03-11T12:57:00.002-04:00

A form of monetary compensation that supplements an employee's bonus.

performance-based – adjective

2009-03-10T13:23:00.001-04:00

Grounded in diverting an audience through dramatic or artistic action; for show.

USAGE: In Washington and around the country, a second round of “reinventing government” initiatives should be launched to transform public agencies into performance-based organizations. -- Rahm Emanuel

road map – noun

2009-03-09T09:59:00.009-04:00

A diagram of roadways used by travelers to find circuitous routes to their destinations—including scenic detours, rest stops, eateries, and tourist attractions—or to change their itineraries mid-trip.

USAGE: President Bush unfolded a road map for peace in the Middle East.

The idea of a "road map" for Israeli-Palestinian peace was not entirely an invention of President George W. Bush, but was in fact his response to a request by Jordan's King Abdullah in a White House conversation. After their official talk, according to another person in the room, King Abdullah said, "What we need is a road map." Bush then turned to Assistant Secretary of State for the Near Bast William Burns and said, "He wants a road map. Can we give him a road map?"

COMMENT: If peace were the chief goal of peace negotiations, then a treasure map would be a more apt metaphor: a set of directions toward a singular destination, promising a lost, difficult to acquire, and immensely valuable reward. Or, to bring the proper terminology up to date, "GPS directions for peace" might suffice.

Road maps are not only designed for countless users with myriad possible destinations (read: agendas) in mind, but they're also notoriously difficult to interpret once you decide where you want to go. In addition, they're impossible to use as you're driving, and they stubbornly resist folding for storage and repeated use.

On the whole, then, kudos to Bush for another brilliant coinage.

neutralize – verb

2009-03-08T16:53:00.003-04:00

To make incapable of action . . . or of eating, drinking, breathing, or anything else, for that matter.

[Thanks, P.E.]

credit-default swap

2009-03-06T09:47:00.002-05:00

A classic children's game in which participants pass around an undesirable object and seek to avoid being the last person to hold it.

COMMENT: The child possessing the object at the end of the game, the loser, is called the "ayigee" (pronounced ey-AY-gee).

covert – adjective

2009-03-02T00:35:00.000-05:00

Published only in foreign newspapers.

political capital – noun (reprise)

2009-02-28T11:07:00.004-05:00

A surplus of goodwill from voters that may serve as collateral for high-risk leveraging of their futures.

I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it. It is my style. — George W. Bush

stress test – noun

2009-02-27T09:27:00.001-05:00

An examination of an insolvent bank to determine whether, under worst-case financial conditions, it would turn solvent.

crisis – noun

2009-02-25T09:25:00.002-05:00

[Origin: from Greek krisis "decision."]

A set of conditions under which Congress is willing to pass legislation.

fraud – noun

2009-02-22T17:19:00.003-05:00

A financial scheme that is understood by regulators.

taxpayer – noun

2009-02-22T16:59:00.000-05:00

The investor of last resort.

Legacy loans?

2009-02-22T16:15:00.010-05:00

Commentators puzzled over Tim Geithner's choice of language in unveiling TARP 4.0:

Second, alongside this new Financial Stability Trust, together with the Fed, the FDIC, and the private sector, we will establish a Public-Private Investment Fund. This program will provide government capital and government financing to help leverage private capital to help get private markets working again. This fund will be targeted to the legacy loans and assets that are now burdening many financial institutions.

Why the shift from "troubled assets" to "legacy loans"? And what does the phrase mean?

Atrios offered a definition: "Chunks of big shitpile." See also No fish, no nuts.

But in all seriousness, the Wall Street Journal helpfully tracked the origin of the phrase last July:

There are signs J.P. Morgan is trying to compartmentalize the past, if not forget it altogether. Chief Financial Officer Mike Cavanagh introduced the idea of calling the suffering loans from the credit crunch “legacy” loans. Of the $22.5 billion of total lending commitments J.P. Morgan had at the end of March, J.P. Morgan distanced itself from those of a hoary vintage that might give investors the shudders. . . .

The modifier "legacy" serves to distance the current owners of the assets from responsibility for ownership, much in the way that "troubled" serves to distance them from responsibility for their current value. We can't blame people for things they inherited, can we?

If we agree to this terminology, perhaps we can apply "legacy" to other things: legacy mortgages, legacy debts, legacy credit lines, legacy cars. After all, everything we own is a legacy from a past self. Why should we be held responsible for anything our past selves purchased or borrowed? All our problems are inherited.

At any rate, it's worth noting the origins of the phrase: from the mouth of J.P. Morgan's CFO to Tim Geithner's ear. Now we see why Geithner was such a popular choice for Treasury Secretary in the business world: If one of your own is picked, you save money on lobbying.

shovel-ready – adjective

2009-02-19T10:55:00.003-05:00

Prepared for massive excavation and burial of tax-payer dollars.

If the Treasury were to fill old bottles with banknotes, bury them at suitable depths in disused coalmines which are then filled up to the surface with town rubbish, and leave it to private enterprise on well-tried principles of laissez-faire to dig the notes up again (the right to do so being obtained, of course, by tendering for leases of the note-bearing territory), there need be no more unemployment and, with the help of the repercussions, the real income of the community, and its capital wealth also, would probably become a good deal greater than it actually is. It would, indeed, be more sensible to build houses and the like; but if there are political and practical difficulties in the way of this, the above would be better than nothing. -- John Maynard Keynes

moral hazard – noun

2009-02-17T10:19:00.006-05:00

The risk that an insured party will subsequently, and without due warning, act as if he were insured.

The world has at least as much to fear from a moral hazard fundamentalism that precludes actions that would enhance confidence and stability as it does from moral hazard itself.-- Larry Summers

plan – noun

2009-02-09T13:06:00.004-05:00

A public announcement that some course of action or other will be taken, the details of which to be determined as it's taken.

Details of the new plan, which were still being worked out during the weekend, are sketchy. And they are likely to remain so even after Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner announces the plan on Tuesday. -- NYT 2/9/09

inauguration – noun

2009-01-27T19:16:00.004-05:00

[Origin: Latin inaugurare "to consecrate by augury."]

A formal ceremony in which an official is installed into his post after the careful observation of the flight and caws of pundits.

bad bank – noun

2009-01-26T13:15:00.004-05:00

1. A bank that accurately accounts for the worth of its assets.

2. A warehouse for toxic sludge and other noxious products of value creators.

downsizing – noun

2009-01-22T11:56:00.002-05:00

A growth industry with exceedingly low labor costs, thanks to its unique ability to create and educate its own pool of experienced, desperate job applicants, through the very service it provides.

From Valleywag.

feeder fund – noun

2009-01-21T10:09:00.001-05:00

A private investment fund that, for a 1.5% fee, exercises the due diligence of passing its money pool to other funds whose managers seem to know something about finance.

finance – noun

2009-01-21T10:03:00.012-05:00

Alchemy; hermetics. A magical power, practice, or process whereby mundane things are transformed into objects of great value.

Finance

globalization – noun (reprise)

2009-01-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

The interconnectedness of the world's economies and their susceptibility to American-style financial fraud.

When America sneezes, the world catches a cold.

market – noun

2009-01-14T11:20:00.004-05:00

A place where marks and their money are soon parted.

The great virtue of a free market system is that it does not care what color people are; it does not care what their religion is; it only cares whether they can produce something you want to acquire. — Milton Friedman, slightly modified.

quant – noun

2009-01-13T10:01:00.004-05:00

(Abbr. "quantitative analyst")

A mathematical expert who formulates complex models for the securities trade that predict gains with near certainty, assuming the soundness of the variables inputted by Ivy League arts-and-sciences majors.

COMMENT: "Quant" also means "a punting pole with a broad flange near the end to prevent it from sinking into the mud." In the financial industry, the rise of quants similarly prevented investor speculation from sinking into the mathematical sludge generated by risk aversion and due diligence. Thus, the origin of the term.

Investment banking isn’t this advanced math, these advanced quantitative techniques. There’s Excel for that. Investment banking is really just critical thinking. They way I put it, if you’re good at Sudoku, you’ll be a good investment banker.

risk management – noun

2009-01-12T14:04:00.007-05:00

The art or practice of formulating complex exculpatory explanations for enormous losses incurred from daft speculation.

(See also: "crisis management.")

asset – noun

2009-01-12T12:18:00.000-05:00

A valuable possession or trait that thereby marks its owner as worthy of other-regarding concern.

due diligence - noun

2008-12-26T14:51:00.004-05:00

The oversight appropriate to a money-making opportunity, i.e. cost-cutting and maximally efficient. Whatever supervision is sufficient to allay investors without expending further time and money.

troubled – adjective

2008-12-20T23:26:00.001-05:00

Worthless, nugatory; bogus.

(See also distressed, toxic, illiquid.)

COMMENT: "Troubled asset" is, strictly speaking, a contradiction in terms.

bridge loan – noun

2008-12-19T12:47:00.002-05:00

Short-term financing that takes a company from one insolvent shore, safely spans the turbid waters of liquidation, and delivers it to the opposite insolvent shore.

pension fund – noun

2008-12-18T10:51:00.001-05:00

An investment pool set aside by an employer to serve as collateral for a leveraged buyout.

securitize – verb

2008-12-18T10:07:00.006-05:00

1. To purchase, facelift, and flip a set of mortgages or loans.

2. To pass the buck, to dodge, to cop out.

deposit – noun

2008-12-17T11:30:00.001-05:00

Money placed at a bank as collateral for highly leveraged investments.

COMMENT: Deposits are insured by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, which is backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government. This is perhaps why Americans have an exceedingly low savings rate.

bankruptcy – noun

2008-12-16T14:42:00.002-05:00

1. (individual) A state of moral degeneracy, in which a person willfully and without conscience incurs debt he cannot repay.

2. (corporate) A brief period of financial restructuring; a fiscal hiccup.

executive compensation – noun

2008-12-16T14:40:00.000-05:00

Payment to an executive for loss or suffering incurred from interaction with middle management, staff, and other rabble.

rating agency – noun

2008-12-15T12:05:00.001-05:00

An advertising firm that specializes in the sale of bonds.

Issuers thus were forced to seek credit ratings (or else their bonds would not be marketable). The agencies—realizing they had a hot product and, what's more, a captive market—started charging the very organizations whose bonds they were rating. — Roger Lowenstein

incentivize – verb

2008-12-15T12:02:00.002-05:00

(Also: "incent")

To entice someone to do something he would normally abhor, such as acting for the good of the public or of the company for which he works.

core values – noun

2008-12-14T17:32:00.006-05:00

The values one holds with the greatest irony.

complex – adjective (reprise)

2008-12-14T17:15:00.001-05:00

Sufficiently obscure to couch financial risk.

subprime – adjective

2008-11-23T21:41:00.001-05:00

Below optimal in credit, but above optimal in naivete.

financial – adjective

2008-11-18T00:12:00.006-05:00

(Etymology: Latin finis "end, utmost limit, highest point")

Having to do with the ultimate ends or limits of human existence; existential.

USAGE: Personal financial crisis, if accumulated to too many folks, hurts our country.— President Bush

Blaming speculators as a response to financial crisis goes back at least to the Greeks. It's almost always the wrong response.—Larry Summers

footnote – noun

2008-11-08T14:18:00.008-05:00

A comment affixed to the bottom of a page that discusses something tangential to the main text, e.g. a statement of losses on a balance sheet.

Is diplomacy in the lexicon?

2008-10-31T10:04:00.003-04:00

Commenter "funnyme" responds to an Obama-McCain discussion on the Napa Valley Register's website:

Is the word "Diplomacy" in a TERRORIST's dictionary?

No, it's not.

Uh, yes, it is.

moral compass – noun

2008-10-24T10:20:00.003-04:00

A guidance mechanism that indicates which direction is morally right, so that one can plot the course he wishes to take and tack accordingly.

can – verb

2008-10-23T12:56:00.002-04:00

Occurs in at least one of an infinite number of possible worlds (but not necessarily in the actual one).

voter – noun

2008-10-23T12:54:00.002-04:00

1. A node in a causal nexus that begins with visual and audible stimuli and ends with an arm pulling a lever.

2. A celebrant in a collective prayer for public relief.

appraisal – noun

2008-10-23T12:45:00.002-04:00

The rigorous computation of a property's value based on a careful weighing of equivalently inflated comparables.

exaggerated – adjective

2008-10-20T23:57:00.000-04:00

Politically damning, but generally unknown.

normalcy – noun

2008-10-20T23:53:00.000-04:00

The state of being as dysfunctional as usual.

home — noun

2008-10-20T10:44:00.003-04:00

A structured investment vehicle.

I think the Inland Empire needs an agricultural adjustment company. If you remember, Roosevelt recognized - I think somewhat incorrectly - that if we had to plow crops under in order to be able to raise the price of crops. ...

We need to like plow over the Inland Empire, because there's so many more homes. And the homebuilders have way too much inventory. -- Jim Cramer

adviser – noun

2008-07-22T08:46:00.004-04:00

1. One who provides rationales for actions already taken by another.

2. One who guesses what another believes and pronounces this on his behalf to the public.

I have plenty of advisers, but I only listen to one of them—the one I take a shower with every morning. --Donald Rumsfeld

time horizon – noun

2008-07-19T18:12:00.003-04:00

A deadline that remains equally as far away as when first set, no matter how much time passes.

USAGE: In the area of security cooperation, the President and the Prime Minister agreed that improving conditions should allow for the agreements now under negotiation to include a general time horizon for meeting aspirational goals.

expert – noun

2008-07-18T14:31:00.006-04:00

A person with specialized knowledge about a particular subject that qualifies him to opine about anything and everything.

social networking – noun

2008-07-10T16:42:00.004-04:00

1. A method for testing one's popularity and status.

2. A means of keeping in contact with friends without having to interact with them.

gentrification – noun

2008-05-20T01:25:00.003-04:00

The ethnic cleansing of a neighborhood through rental pricing.

pro bono – adjective

2008-05-20T01:22:00.002-04:00

(Etymology: Latin "for the good.") Law––For the good of one's own reputation.

humility – noun

2008-05-20T01:19:00.002-04:00

The inability to articulate one's feelings of superiority over others.

humanitarian intervention – noun

2008-05-20T01:17:00.002-04:00

The slaughter of tens of thousands to prevent the slaughter of thousands.

article – noun

2008-05-05T23:16:00.001-04:00

A published appeal for an advertisement.

ombudsman – noun

2008-04-21T13:20:00.004-04:00

A spokesperson hired by a newspaper to defend its practices against the slanders of its readership.

As a columnist, Mr. Brooks is entitled to his opinions, as readers are entitled to disagree with them. In this specific case, he quite clearly was using this writerly device to indicate his belief that critics of neo-conservatives think all neo-conservatives are Jewish. Thank you for your comments.

analyst – noun

2008-04-21T12:57:00.003-04:00

Someone whose resumé bestows a veneer of objectivity to his sales pitches.

Diversion: Earl Scruggs and the Byrds

2008-04-20T00:47:00.002-04:00

misspeak – verb

2008-04-20T00:45:00.002-04:00

To say something that garners negative publicity and polls poorly.

leadership – noun

2008-04-17T08:54:00.001-04:00

The ability to direct credit towards oneself and blame to others.

hope – noun

2008-04-15T14:46:00.003-04:00

An idle wish that the future, contrary to the laws of induction, be less wretched than the past and present.

Diversion: Wilco

2008-04-04T01:44:00.006-04:00

The last three years have been difficult. Probable back surgery is the latest turn.

At least there's music.

I know you're not listening
No I know you're not listening

kill - verb

2008-04-04T01:03:00.008-04:00

To cause death without guilt.

COMMENT: Murder is, of course, one of the most egregious sins. One way to avoid it is not to kill people. The other is to kill so indiscriminately that the act becomes disconnected from intent, and therefore from guilt. Both are socially acceptable.

At least 21 civilians, including six children, have been killed in US air strikes in Afghanistan ... The deaths brought the total of civilian deaths to almost 100 in the past two weeks ... A spokesman for the US forces, Major William Mitchell, declared that the troops had killed a "significant" number of insurgents in firefights and the subsequent bombing. "We don't have any reports of civilian casualties" he said. " There are enemy casualties - I think the number is significant."

personal responsibility – noun

2008-04-04T00:13:00.003-04:00

1. The capacity to accept blame for being victimized.

2. The solipsist's virtue.

3. A developed sense of deference to private-property rights.

Diversion: "Crying" by Roy Orbison

2008-03-29T23:29:00.000-04:00

green-collar job – noun

2008-03-29T19:14:00.004-04:00

Service employment at an organic-food establishment.

reverend – noun

2008-03-29T13:58:00.002-04:00

1. A person who quotes the Bible, pontificates about morals, seeks donations, but doesn't run for public office.

2. A person deserving of the same awe and respect one has for non-existent objects.

3. A stand-up comic with a religious routine.

4. An expert consultant on sex and graft scandals.

lame duck – noun

2008-03-29T13:41:00.000-04:00

The main character of a satyr play that follows a tragic trilogy.

unknown unknown – noun

2008-03-28T08:47:00.006-04:00

Something that one doesn't know that one doesn't know (e.g. anything one thinks one knows).

The Unknown

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

—Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing
(h/t to Slate)

pastor – noun

2008-03-26T23:22:00.003-04:00

The shepherd of a flock that he regularly fleeces for money.

Diversion – Rev. Wright in context

2008-03-21T11:06:00.001-04:00

h/t Andrew Sullivan.

candidate – noun

2008-03-20T09:38:00.002-04:00

A person so committed to public service that he will elbow and slander anyone who gets in his way.

x-ray – noun

2008-03-14T09:02:00.007-04:00

1. A guarantor of public trust.

2. A machine that photographs the self.

memoir – noun

2008-03-12T15:02:00.002-04:00

A genre of sci-fi fantasy literature that uses first-person narrative.

waterboarding – noun (reprise)

2008-03-08T19:43:00.009-05:00

Baptism for the recalcitrant.

change – noun

2008-03-05T15:41:00.006-05:00

A process whereby something sheds one appearance for another while remaining essentially the same (cf. Aristotle Physics I).

I want to do everything I can to help deliver the change America needs. -- Rahm Emanuel

independent – adjective

2008-02-22T09:52:00.004-05:00

Not requiring control or influence, due to predictability of behavior.

maverick - noun

2007-12-31T12:19:00.000-05:00

A politician who campaigns on a platform of speaking honestly to the public.

bundling - noun

2007-11-20T22:47:00.001-05:00

A populist measure for extending political representation to the upper-middle class.

obstruction - noun

2007-11-01T08:36:00.000-04:00

A counterterrorism tactic in lawfare, whereby the enemy is deprived of evidential arms.

never – adverb

2007-11-01T08:35:00.000-04:00

1. Hopefully not

2. Not often enough to know or recall

Diversion: an interview with Philip K. Dick

2007-10-22T22:53:00.001-04:00

inspection - noun

2007-10-18T14:28:00.000-04:00

A search for incriminating evidence, the absence of which confirms the worst.

interim - adjective

2007-10-15T14:53:00.000-04:00

Without advice or consent.

USAGE: The White House is leaning on interim appointments.

voluntary – adjective

2007-10-10T12:53:00.000-04:00

1. Worthy of being ignored.

USAGE: President Bush calls for voluntary reductions of greenhouse gases.

2. Compelled to choose because of one's contingent circumstances.

USAGE: But whether we are speaking of U.S. troops in Iraq, or Canadian troops in Afghanistan, it is important for the reader to remember that the overwhelming majority in our voluntary armed forces utterly despise the Barbara Boxers, Jack Laytons, and media flaks who shed crocodile tears for them, and exploit their anxious or grieving families. Our forces in the field are purpose-driven, and do impressive things every day; men and women alike, they face real risk with true manliness. They have a mission, to find and kill mortal enemies of all higher civilization, and it is the moral duty of every decent human being to wish them godspeed in that task.

COMMENT: Why do you need a mandate to deliver an outcome you're already going to get?

Announcement

2007-10-06T09:25:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the recent dearth of posts, but my new job has been overwhelming.

I'm leaving for the three-day weekend, and I'll be back on Tuesday with renewed vigor.

surgical - adjective

2007-10-01T21:56:00.002-04:00

Risky, costly, and ultimately less effective than non-invasive procedures.

USAGE: Now the emphasis is on surgical strikes on Revolutionary Guard Corps facilities in Tehran and elsewhere.

Diversion: Philip Roth on the State of the Union

2007-09-30T17:25:00.000-04:00

new – adjective

2007-09-28T19:21:00.000-04:00

1. Forgotten.

2. Recycled.

3. Reissued.

4. Reverted.

5. Covered in plastic.

equality – noun

2007-09-28T19:13:00.000-04:00

The state or quality of owning equal assets, and therefore equal moral worth.

yacht - noun

2007-09-27T13:14:00.000-04:00

A Congressman's second home and primary office.

bubble – noun

2007-09-21T10:38:00.000-04:00

A gaseous spherule enclosed by a delicate liquid layer that upholds our whole economy.